oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
