I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
