Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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