my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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