I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
