Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Randomize
