And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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