I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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