shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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