Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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