I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
