I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Ketchup is God's man juice
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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