do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
