you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Randomize
