I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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