Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just cropdusted the office
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
