I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
