Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
