was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
