farters have to be the big spoon...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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