its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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