Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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