My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
