I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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