Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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