Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
