I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
