I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
