Jerry, you need to find god
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
