I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
