i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
