Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
