I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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