someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
