If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
