I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
