Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
We need to get me chipped asap
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
