I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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