Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
