I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
