I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
