a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
