dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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