I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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