I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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