Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
