I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize