It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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