They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
