I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
