Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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