I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
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