I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
