WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
