i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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