He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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